Theodore Rex (1995)

My oh my, I think I've finally found a secret love that lives within the heart of me. Yes, oh yes, this movie is blatantly irreverent, wildly veracious and voracious, and still reeking of desperation; it's a combination that so frequently leads to the creation of something beautiful. Not to say that somebody didn't try and hit the breaks. Whoopi, realizing that she had somehow agreed to this horribly frankensteinian movie premise while under the influence of at least one condemned substance, tried like hell to back the fuck out of this shit-fest. But, after the filings of a $20 million lawsuit, she sucked it up and figured, hey, I can always add something to the cultish celebrity of weirdos like Tesla and Spencer. But don't worry; her lawyer definitely did what lawyers do best since Whoopi walked away with almost 1/5 of the total budget. Dayum gurl! Don't get me wrong; this movie is not bad, and I'm not criticizing it for its shortcomings. In fact, this movie is so freaking brilliant that it managed to make off with one of the lowest imdb ratings I've ever seen. I've even included a list of other atrocities/movies that reviewers seem to think are better than my good ole Theodore Rex (see below). In truth, the movie is kind of without a genre home or reliable audience (I guess Ivy-educated transcendentalist techno-weirdos aren't a big market), and it really pulls together some odd concepts in a movie that must be for kids but yet doesn't have in kids in it or a plot that can be enjoyed by kids. But I'm definitely giving credit to the genius who thought putting detective dinosaurs and Black bioware cyborg cops into a movie about specist tendencies, workplace equality and madcap plans for the Ice-Age Apocalypse while still including terms like "butt-trumpet" was somehow a money making opportunity. It seems clear that this is a point-of-no-return type of piece; as in, they just put so much time and effort and money into it, they felt too terrible to pull the plug and put this poor, bed-ridden, comatose, vegetable-brained child out of its misery. And where does this credit go? To none other than Johnathan R. Betuel, the mastermind behind my absolutely favorite 80's Dennis Hopper symphony, the lovely, the beautiful, the breathtaking My Science Project. Betuel's even got The Last Starfighter under his belt. Now, that's a resume! And while Whoopi makes her anger for this most expensive of straight-to-video masterpieces evident in every line that she spews forth in fire, for me, it only makes it funnier. There are so many points of absurdity (is there even a reason that these dinosaurs are intelligent?) and so many questionable decisions (the clothes! oh, the clothes [tri-cloved chucks and yellow turtlenecks?]!) that I'm going to have to watch it at least another 10 times before I can truly penetrate its brilliance. Who knows, maybe the meaning of life is trapped in here somewhere. With Theodore and Whoopi (oh shit, and Richard fucking Roundtree!) on my side, anything is possible!

I deem it: "A smoking gun of nineties consumerism and millennium confusion!/A tail you'll never forget!/Clearly a message from the Beyond!/Dinosaurs and cyborgs together at last = all hail the apocalypse!/Betuel, will you marry me?

"These reviews that claim this movie is so bad its good are going way overboard with that one. This movie does not have the guilty pleasure badness that Leonard Part 6, Battlefield Earth and Gigli had. Those movies were entertaining in their awfulness but this pile of dinosaur dung is so bad its painful. I haven't been in this much pain watching a bad movie since I watched Baby Geniuses and Superbabies."

"I thought Burglar was bad but it takes a backseat to Theodore Rex: the worst movie of Whoopi's career."

"Even little kids would be cringing in horror at this Thing. It reminded me of a particularly bad episode of 'Sigmund And The Sea Monsters'. Actually, come to think of it, 'Sigmund' was vastly superior to this."

"This movie was astonishing. It is beyond atrocious. I often get together with a group of friends and go to the movie store to find awful movies to watch for their comedic value. My friend suggested this one, but as we watched it, people began to leave...I would rather watch Costner's The Postman twelve times in a row than see a fraction of this movie again."

"After giving Pokemon the Movie one point, giving this movie one point seems like nothing short of charity."

"Ever since I started visiting this site, and voting for movies, I have never given any movie a rating of 1. Even the disturbing "Dance! Workout with Barbie" got a 2. There is a reason for this. Any time I find myself watching what I think is a really bad movie, I have to stop and ask myself the following question: "Is this movie really as bad as the horrific soul-sucking beast that is 'Theodore Rex'?" And I've never been able to answer "yes". I would give anything within reason to know what crackhead said "Hey! Let's remake 'Blade Runner' with Barney in the Harrison Ford Role!" and decided it was a good idea to actually spend the time and money to commit it to film."

"Once you realise it's an awful movie - as early as the prologue, the experience of this movie is equal to watching a retarded dog trying to fuck a door handle! It's mesmerising, and terrifying in equal measure!"

The Man with Two Brains (1983)

Well, everyone knows that Steve Martin is funny, right? But why? I mean, as much as I love Queen Latifah, Bringing Down the House isn't really doing that much for me. Thankfully, a trip down memory lane and through the movie stacks reminded me exactly why Steve Martin is funny in the epically convoluted shape of The Man with Two Brains. I mean, this movie is pretty fucking highlarious. And I do not use this word randomly, because somebody was clearly doing some kind of drugs when they put this together ("Hey, it's the eighties!"). It's a spoof, it's chock full of gags, and I even did some gagging myself. We've got a variety of subplot themes in this beauty including new medical science (the screw-top brain transplant/Dr. Necessitar: "As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla." Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: "I couldn't fuck a gorilla!"), the gold-digging wife who has recently undergone a serious procedure ("When a woman who has just had brain surgery says she's has a headache, you've got to listen!") and the ever elusive but oddly convenient rampant sexual serial killer (Merv Griffin, what are you doing here?). Did I mention that Martin falls in love with a telepathic disembodied brain? Yes, a love so deep that he takes it out to the lake with a pair of wax lips and a sun hat for some "good times." Even a little time in the oven can't tear them apart. Indeed, the sexual aspect of this film was bordering on obscene. I mean, how many fingers can one woman suck? But the horny doctor finding a sexy siren to house his newfound brain lover is an important part of the plot. And after all that trouble and all that trauma finding a hot bod, what does that bitch forget to mention?: All that effort was meaningless because the woman is a compulsive eater! Ahh comedy.

Final Judgment: "Too many gags to even regurgitate!/Steve Martin is the ultimate 80's man!/Success! Every minority type will be equally insulted!/Brains in jars = count me in!/You'll laugh your cranium off!"

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

Well, don't even try and tell me that this puppy's not on Tesla Terrain. Because it's certainly checked off all of the reqs on the list including: the box office failure, the terrible reviews and the cult niche. Yes, yes, it may be just a touch over the film/theater performance line (you can see the set to screen translation, and all the actors are just a little too loud to be film natives). And they definitely didn't give Sarah Brightman enough respect, credit or music, despite the fact that she is not only clearly in her element but also the most talented and the most beautiful of the cast. But, and I can say this honestly, it's not very often that I see a movie that I haven't seen before. And this was definitely something new. I think they use the term 'rock-opera,' and not because people are singing operatically, but because there is music and singing entirely throughout the production; the tracks may not be great, but the feature is built around the music. But rock-opera leaves out other necessary terminology like post-apocalyptic future, big business organ owners, and plastic surgery medical procedures gone wild where the parts can be repossessed without warning. Yikes. We're talking Saw meets Rocky Horror meets Escape from LA. And Lionsgate does it again. They're my favorite label for the off-kilter, no one else wants to say it, type of shit. Like Cube; that shit is fucked up! This shit is definitely fucked up too. But it's not quite over the top, and that's why it works. The blood is bloody, but not unnecessary; instead, it paints a world where humans use medicine to meet their whims and big business is always there to squeeze the money out. I don't know what's up with the corpse disposal though. I mean, why don't they just burn all those bodies instead of stuffing them into corners and letting crazy street freaks suck out bio accumulated chemicals to shoot up into some other crazy street freaks? It's a mystery. What's not a mystery is the fact that Anthony Stewart Head and Paris Hilton both managed to end up in this tricky corner of cult cinema; everybody needs publicity!

I deem it: "Clearly a cult piece waiting to be discovered by the makeup wearing cinema artistes who like to look at roadkill!/Oh Sarah, your gracefulness transcends the depths you've fallen!/A brilliantly envisioned future where starlets don't just forget to fasten on their panties but their newly acquired faces as well!/Dark and dramatic, squishy and goth all over = the age of Lambert!

Masterminds (1997)

Well, those who know me know that I'm always down for a little family-friendly action-adventure. That's exactly where this puppy sits. I've actually been looking for this film for a while; I guess I saw it on TV or something and knew that it was genius. I never had any memory of the cast or title; I just knew that it had to do with kids one-upping adults. Lo and behold, a trip through the extra discounted rack at Rasputin put me face to face with this squeeze and shake beauty, and I didn't even have to think about it twice before I knew I was looking at my long lost love. It's no wonder I thought this film was awesome the first time I saw it: A nerdy hacker named Ozzie squares off against the always shiny and not-too-scary villain that is Patrick Stewart. If Home Alone and Die Hard had a secret love child in the nineties, I think you can call off the hunt: this baby is found! The movie is pretty legit, with ATVs and landmines and pranks galore. You can barely even tell that it's Canadian! Yes, my filthy friends, this movie was produced by a Canadian company and proud of it. I don't know if that explains the recorded earning of only a million dollars: perhaps there's a secret internet movie database up north. There could be a whole lot of secret things up there now that I think about it. Has anyone you know actually been to Northern Canada? Don't discount Stargate; and imagine the possibilities!

Final Judgment: "Soaked in nineties, slithering in pop culture and sickeningly awesome!/Forget man vs. machine, this is pure kooky adolescent vs. condescending adult, and with a girly and defiant boy-nerd at the helm we all know who's going to win (right?)!/Don't bash the child protagonists!/The underdog pulls through once again!

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

In honor of the demise of the honorable David Carradine, on this 4th of June, 2009, I have decided to post on his greatest of movies. No, I'm not talking about Kill Bill or Kung Fu; this is the highly underrated fantasy film The Warrior and the Sorceress. It made almost zero money, there's no posted trivia about it, and it has one of the lowest ratings I've ever seen on imdb.com. But, what's up with that? This movie is clearly a great work of art. How could anyone read these crucial keywords (village, warrior, well, love, remake of Japanese film, sorcerer, sword and sorcery, drowning, woman drowned, remake, martial arts, male female relationship, nudity, priest, princess, castle, sex, nude woman murdered, and independent film), see that Carradine is in it to win it, and not watch and love this movie before a fortnight has passed? I mean, let me spell it out for you: the female lead is topless in every single one of her scenes. That's one way to cut back on wardrobe costs! There was so much t&a in this shit, I practically cried myself to sleep. There's even some full frontal! Add that to martial arts and sword fights, a totally tubular animatronic bipedal lizard, tricky situations, a four tittied b/witchy erotic dancer, nonhuman jittery goblin-faced idiot slavers, the robes and the robbed, and you've pretty much got every teenage boy's wet dream. Or maybe I should just speak for myself. Either way, that's hott. Other points of interest include: the infinite abyss that are Carradine's thighs, a giant puppet octopus creature, the fact that this entire movie might be dubbed and, of course, the knowledge that Carradine is a wily son-of-a-bitch who plays everybody like a skilled flautist. Oh yes.

Final Judgment: "Carradine lives on in barbaric legendry and castles of kick-ass!/Oh the eighties; you were so awesome we're going back in sexualization time to compensate!


R.I.P.

Flash Gordon (1980)

Wowzah, I'm still coming back down from this intergalactic trip. I mean, this could definitely be in the running for the most out of control movie I've ever seen. The script is pretty fair to the original comic, but that still doesn't explain away any of this 70's/80's craziness. Apparently, George Lucas was even keying in on this concept, but he didn't make it to the rights in time (don't worry, he wrote Star Wars instead). The film had a serious budget of $30 million which was a pretty cherry chunk of change back then, and I'd like to think they used it well. I mean, it's no Star Wars, and they definitely made a few misjudgments along the way (like why didn't they hire Kurt Russell and Dennis Hopper? = insanity!). But all in the all, the movie is definitely...memorable. It's as if this director, who has done almost nothing of consequence, just won the film-budget jackpot, and, realizing that he will never see this amount of money again, attempted to complete every wacky character idea that has ever strayed across his confused desert of a mind. There are beary hairy cherubs, tree people, multi-colored midgets, Ming the Merciless (ruler of planet Mongo), and, oh shit!, Timothy Dalton. And the costumes! We're talking serious beading with crazy textures and dimensions and colors. Apparently Ming's costume weighed some 70lbs of crazy! I spent the majority of the movie attempting to decide which awesome costume I would wear to a Halloween party in my ideal world. It was difficult, to say the least. And the planetary atmosphere is made of psychedelic swirling colors (dye in water tanks), with awesome, futuristic floating cities dotting the horizon! I'm glad I have a stable mind, or it must just have blown. And did I mention: the theme song, and all of its derivative, were written and performed by Queen = out of this world! This is almost everything I could have wanted in a cheesy, big-budget, saving the earth from stylish aliens type of flick. There's even a pillow fight!

I deem it: "Appropriately daft and deliciously decadent!/Chains, whips and leather, oh my!/Enough to make your (supposedly) most important organ sizzle its way into cervelle brulee! /The legal way to make it through probation!

Alien Apocalypse (2005)

Man oh man; well, I almost hate to admit it, but I've clearly become one of those people who buys a movie, cheesy cover and all, exclusively because Bruce Campbell is in it. This disaster is a most excellent example (as is that other gem on my shelf: Goldrush: A Real Life Alaskan Adventure = yikes!). In fact, not only is Bruce Campbell the only (cough cough) notable actor in this shit-filled shenanigan (oh wait, don't forget the Lucy Lawless stand-in, and always trusty sidekick, Renee O'Connor!), but most of the other actors don't even speak English! As if the classically bad wigs and facial hair weren't fake enough as it was! No no, taking low budget to a third-world extreme, this entire movie was filmed in Bulgaria. And that is also where they hired 99% of the actors. I guess dubbing is easier than paying taxes in the U.S. of A. But seriously, this movie is out of control low budget. The sets are terrorific, the actors are pathetic (that stupid chick only elicits brainwaves when she's tossing things around like an idiot, giving a bad name to woman everywhere!), and its obvious that Bruce Campbell made up most of the script on the spot. And don't forget the constant TV-requisite fade-to-blacks = always a barrel of laughs. Sadly enough, as terrible as the movie was, I will probably still continue to buy Campbell cult classics. The dude's a fucking icon!

Final Judgment: "Astronauts, aliens and fluids galore!/People of the woods rejoice: Your smart-mouthed savior has arrived!/Once again, made for TV = made for my cobwebbiest shelves!/Bruce Campbell, I'll always love you!

Yesterday, they were only astronauts. Today, they're humanity's only hope.
And yes, this was the Sci-Fi Channel's highest rated made-for-tv classic ever debuted. Youch!

Literary Review

Well, I just couldn't pass up the chance to share some of my scintillating science-fiction reads. And while the infamous they may say that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, I declare, "go right ahead." After all, images have certainly been known to say more than words. And there's nothing like visual context to demonstrate author and audience intent.
Final Judgment: Decadent images leave me craving more!