Monday, June 15, 2009

Theodore Rex (1995)

My oh my, I think I've finally found a secret love that lives within the heart of me. Yes, oh yes, this movie is blatantly irreverent, wildly veracious and voracious, and still reeking of desperation; it's a combination that so frequently leads to the creation of something beautiful. Not to say that somebody didn't try and hit the breaks. Whoopi, realizing that she had somehow agreed to this horribly frankensteinian movie premise while under the influence of at least one condemned substance, tried like hell to back the fuck out of this shit-fest. But, after the filings of a $20 million lawsuit, she sucked it up and figured, hey, I can always add something to the cultish celebrity of weirdos like Tesla and Spencer. But don't worry; her lawyer definitely did what lawyers do best since Whoopi walked away with almost 1/5 of the total budget. Dayum gurl! Don't get me wrong; this movie is not bad, and I'm not criticizing it for its shortcomings. In fact, this movie is so freaking brilliant that it managed to make off with one of the lowest imdb ratings I've ever seen. I've even included a list of other atrocities/movies that reviewers seem to think are better than my good ole Theodore Rex (see below). In truth, the movie is kind of without a genre home or reliable audience (I guess Ivy-educated transcendentalist techno-weirdos aren't a big market), and it really pulls together some odd concepts in a movie that must be for kids but yet doesn't have in kids in it or a plot that can be enjoyed by kids. But I'm definitely giving credit to the genius who thought putting detective dinosaurs and Black bioware cyborg cops into a movie about specist tendencies, workplace equality and madcap plans for the Ice-Age Apocalypse while still including terms like "butt-trumpet" was somehow a money making opportunity. It seems clear that this is a point-of-no-return type of piece; as in, they just put so much time and effort and money into it, they felt too terrible to pull the plug and put this poor, bed-ridden, comatose, vegetable-brained child out of its misery. And where does this credit go? To none other than Johnathan R. Betuel, the mastermind behind my absolutely favorite 80's Dennis Hopper symphony, the lovely, the beautiful, the breathtaking My Science Project. Betuel's even got The Last Starfighter under his belt. Now, that's a resume! And while Whoopi makes her anger for this most expensive of straight-to-video masterpieces evident in every line that she spews forth in fire, for me, it only makes it funnier. There are so many points of absurdity (is there even a reason that these dinosaurs are intelligent?) and so many questionable decisions (the clothes! oh, the clothes [tri-cloved chucks and yellow turtlenecks?]!) that I'm going to have to watch it at least another 10 times before I can truly penetrate its brilliance. Who knows, maybe the meaning of life is trapped in here somewhere. With Theodore and Whoopi (oh shit, and Richard fucking Roundtree!) on my side, anything is possible!

I deem it: "A smoking gun of nineties consumerism and millennium confusion!/A tail you'll never forget!/Clearly a message from the Beyond!/Dinosaurs and cyborgs together at last = all hail the apocalypse!/Betuel, will you marry me?

"These reviews that claim this movie is so bad its good are going way overboard with that one. This movie does not have the guilty pleasure badness that Leonard Part 6, Battlefield Earth and Gigli had. Those movies were entertaining in their awfulness but this pile of dinosaur dung is so bad its painful. I haven't been in this much pain watching a bad movie since I watched Baby Geniuses and Superbabies."

"I thought Burglar was bad but it takes a backseat to Theodore Rex: the worst movie of Whoopi's career."

"Even little kids would be cringing in horror at this Thing. It reminded me of a particularly bad episode of 'Sigmund And The Sea Monsters'. Actually, come to think of it, 'Sigmund' was vastly superior to this."

"This movie was astonishing. It is beyond atrocious. I often get together with a group of friends and go to the movie store to find awful movies to watch for their comedic value. My friend suggested this one, but as we watched it, people began to leave...I would rather watch Costner's The Postman twelve times in a row than see a fraction of this movie again."

"After giving Pokemon the Movie one point, giving this movie one point seems like nothing short of charity."

"Ever since I started visiting this site, and voting for movies, I have never given any movie a rating of 1. Even the disturbing "Dance! Workout with Barbie" got a 2. There is a reason for this. Any time I find myself watching what I think is a really bad movie, I have to stop and ask myself the following question: "Is this movie really as bad as the horrific soul-sucking beast that is 'Theodore Rex'?" And I've never been able to answer "yes". I would give anything within reason to know what crackhead said "Hey! Let's remake 'Blade Runner' with Barney in the Harrison Ford Role!" and decided it was a good idea to actually spend the time and money to commit it to film."

"Once you realise it's an awful movie - as early as the prologue, the experience of this movie is equal to watching a retarded dog trying to fuck a door handle! It's mesmerising, and terrifying in equal measure!"


Anonymous said...

is that cordelia?

Tesla said...

ha. close, but no cigar. that's drusilla before her vampire fame!