Monday, May 26, 2008

The Running Man (1987)

"Killian, here's your Subzero, now plain zero."

Oh Arnold, how you make so many dreams come true. The Running Man is undeniably one of the greatest futuristic sci-fi action thrillers ever churned out by the media mogul otherwise known as Hollywood. Ah yes, and it's loosely based on a Stephen King story. And Paula Abdul helped choreograph one of the awesome spandex dance numbers. It's almost a requirement to love a movie with this much spandex, not to mention the egregious usage of one and two liners by our favorite Governor. You also have to contemplate the use of lasers, circuit boards, chainsaws, exploding collars, opera music, rebels, little old ladies who love the death, our lives as a game show, general violence, television as a brainwashing mechanism (keeps them off the picket lines!) and the timeless theme of government tyranny. Don't you love how nobody ever believes it until it happens to them? Haven't they seen any sci-fi? It's a classic riff! Oh well. Anyway, I have a very serious fetish for movies that combine big-budget features/actors with 'outlandishly' futuristic ideas. It gives you hope for a blinded world. Especially when those actors include Arnold and other oddly muscular men (eg. Professor Toru Tanaka of Blackrain, Dark Man, 3 Ninjas and Last Action Hero [another Arnold flick!] fame AND Jesse 'The Body' Ventura [ahhh! another governor!!!]). Combine this with genuinely good cinematography, convincing sets and props (I love the futuristic city scenes!), and a plot that can rattle a few (almost) empty skulls, and you've got sci-fi that rivals anything else Arnold has done (move over Terminator!). Plus, foul language!
"I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine!"
"[T]here's nothing funny about a dickless moron with a battery up his ass."
"Uplink underground, uplink underground. If you say that one more time, I'll uplink your ass, and you'll be underground!"

Final Judgment, "Süber-Awesome!"

"The Running Man has been brought to you by: Breakaway Paramilitary Uniforms, Ortopure Procreation Pill, and Cadre Cola; it hits the spot! Promotional considerations paid for by: Kelton Flame Throwers, Wainwright Electrical Launchers, and Hammond & Gage Chainsaws. Damon Killian's wardrobe by Chez Antoinne: 19th-Century craftsmanship for the 21st-Century man. Cadre Trooper and studio-guard side arms provided by Colchester: the pistol of patriots. Remember: Tickets for the ICS studio tour are always available for Class-A citizens in good standing. If you'd like to be a contestant on THE RUNNING MAN, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to: ICS Talent Hunt, care of your local affiliate, and then go out and do something really despicable! I'm Phil Hilton! Good night, and take care!"

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