Friday, May 16, 2008

Steel (1997)

"C.R.E.A.M. - Cash rules everything around me!"

"I boogie around danger like a soul train dancer!"

"I'm about to smoke you like a blunt!"

"Well, I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs!"

These are just a few of the cash-money moments in Steel, a late 90's flick starring the gigantically awesome Shaquille O'Neal (7'1") as an ex-military weapons designer who comes back to his hood in LA only to find his archfoe (a white dude) using all the local gang-bangers to show off, and subsequently auction off, stolen weapon designs. And these are not just semi-automatics: we're talking sonic explosions and lasers that cut through metal. Thank god for the world, Shaq actually has a paraplegic (later to be X-Files) hottie and an Ole Uncle Joe (Richard Roundtree of Shaft) who can make even more awesome weapons (giant do-all hammer, superhero suit made of steel + additional gadgets) and then kick bad-guy ass. The best part is when the paraplegic honey reveals that her wheelchair is actually filled with lasers and sonic weapons and proceeds to save Shaq and then reveals (even more startling!) that her wheelchair can extend to standing height so that way they can hug each other! Yay for hugging! While we don't get any nudity, there is plenty of Shaq attempting to form words in this version of a poor man's (literally), black version of Batman. And we can all be proud on the inside to see him inspiring so many little black children to stay away from gangs.

Final Verdict: "Totally Awesome."

1 comment:

Alan Wei said...

Tesla, good review! Haha, I want to watch this now. When can I borrow the video?